A representative of a shadowy group calling itself the Chicken Liberation Organization has accused orthodox Jews of responsibility for the aviary flu, which experts believe may become a global pandemic threatening the lives of millions.
The CLO representative, C. Little, has warned that any outbreak of the disease will be the direct result of what he called Jewish responsibility for “atmospheric lowering,” a little-understood phenomenon by which the sky appears to be falling, causing migratory birds to descend precipitously and collide with stationary objects, greatly increasing the risk of a 9/11 style crash into skyscrapers and resulting infection of the people inside.
An allied group representing oppressed turkeys, T. Lurkey, supported Little’s claims, and said that the Jewish role in the celestial descent was unquestionable. “For years, these people have been spinning chickens around their heads in some reactionary ritual, in the vain hope that doing so would somehow expiate their sins. But in so doing they have created a far greater sin.”
Lurkey was apparently referring to the Kapparot ceremony, which takes place annually before the Jewish day of Yom Kippur. A bound chicken is spun around the head of each family member seven times. Trans-Species and vegetarian lobbyists have called the ceremony cruel and unusual. Jewish sources admitted it was unusual.
Little, however, said the CLO’s claims extend far beyond the chicken-swinging practice. Orthodox Jews are accused of drawing and quartering innocent birds, cutting off their heads and eviscerating their limbs and breasts. “We can trace a pattern of systematic abuses of our fine-feathered race. The Jews claim that chicken soup is ‘The Jewish Penicillin’ but who’s paying the ultimate price for that? And who is protecting us? Do we boil, bake, and fry Jews and take credit for ‘Chicken Penicillin’? It’s hardly surprising that some of our martyrs lose their heads and fight back, not necessarily in that order.”
Recently, there have been reports of the first revenge attacks against members of the Jewish faith, a game of “chicken”  in which an Orthodox Jew is kicked, swung around and tossed for sport. Participants are invited compete to see who can throw him farthest. The “Jew toss” is accompanied by furious clucking, or perhaps curious flocking, by the roosters and hens, accompanied by sounds of moans and groans by the disgruntled Jew who flew. Ironically, the attack appears to have come from Israelis, based on the hebrew language instructions which accompany the “game.”
Foxy Loxy, head of the Anti-Defenestration League, objected strenuously to the computer simulation and said that propelling Jews through space was a threat to all mankind, not less serious than the bird flu itself. “Today it’s an innocent Jewish victim being tossed. Tomorrow someone else will be hurled. There is no stopping these terrorist birds. First they spun lies. Now they’re spinning people.”
The CLO representative rejected the terrorism charge, accusing the ADL spokeman of being “a Foxman in a henhouse” and a threat no less than the chicken-spinning Orthodox. “The sky has been falling on us for years,” he said, “the Jews never squawked until the chickens came home to roost.”
Lucy Goosey, proprietress of the henhouse in which the alleged anti-Semitic attack took place, confirmed that the chicks in her charge were responsible for no physical violence, although she admitted that there may have been some fowl language.