While it's just a single factor in the phenomenon of women becoming breadwinners over men, one reason contributing has to do with them getting a better English education - AKA learning to read and write at a younger age with more structure and guidance from teachers. This reinforces skills necessary making them more suited towards working in todays work force.

WELL SAID!!!!!

nice article

who wrote this?

and where does the rebbe speak against this? to say something in the rebbes name would be nice to say and show the place where he said it

thats why its great to marry someone with the same last name as you like my mother did! not to say that was the reason they got married but still - its fun when at the passport office or somewhere they ask u your mothers maiden name and i say my last name. they say “no, i guess u didnt understand...” lol, it gets good laughs. so i'll be keeping my eyes peeled for someone with my last name too - maybe i'll keep up the trend.
(And for all of you with no sense of humor, this comment was written in good fun and was not meant as a serious answer to this article... so get off your high horse and loosen up)

Oh please, is this for real?

disgusting. this is precisely why i've distanced myself from chabad.

Oh please! the woman and cattle as the possesion of man days are over! Woman have a right to go by whatever name they want.

Have the man take the woman's last name, how about that? I see nothing wrong with a woman choosing whatever name for herself that she wants. This is a personal decision and Rabbis and the community have no right to intimidate or discourage people from this practice by marking them as an “apikores” Cush in tuchus to all the naysayers

The above is very true, men have no qualifications for work... also the cost of tuition etc. does not help! Somebody needs to earn some money.

“The fact that the girls today are much more educated, knowledgeable and capable than the boys are” - There are other circumstances that the Rabbi do not even consider. Personally, I am finishing up my degree so for schooling purposes it makes more sense to keep a hyphenated last name. It is easier to add a name then to change passports, social security numbers, credit cards, bank accounts... The lists are endless. In Canada (Montreal, for example), a women is only recognized by her maiden name. Go to a hospital to have a baby, she will be referred to by her maiden name, have any medical intervention - only her maiden name is recognized. So Rabbis - with all due respect, women today are more independent then you might be comfortable with. It is only your own insecurities to imply that holding on to our maiden names could make us inadequate spouses and uncaring mothers to our children.

Women often refer to themselves by their maiden names for NECESSARY purposes: to identify themselves, for legal documents, etc.
Not everything we women do is with bad intentions or because it is a fad. We do it just because that's the name people knew us by for so many years. Simple as that.

Excellent Article!

Um, it's <i>al kein ya'azov ISH es oviv ve'es imo, vedovak BE'ISHTO<i>. It's the MAN who must abandon his parents and their ways, in order to join his wife. So it would seem that he should change his name to hers; certainly he has no right to expect her to change her name to his.

Especially when this custom has no Jewish roots at all, since Jews never had surnames in the first place. Surnames are a goyishe custom that we accepted because we were forced to. Having the wife change her name on marriage is not something we are forced to do, so why should we accept this goyishe custom?

um I haven't noticed this trend at all in chabad circles.
Unless i am completely out of it, there are about 60 girls who i know from sem alone who are married and none have kept their maiden names...
In fact i don't know a single girl who did.

Kudos.

A few quick questions..

1. Is the author married?

2. “ but ABANDON (“yazov”) all her family’s traditions etc for her husband’s!”.
Which posuk is this?

3.“in fact, our great Rebbe protested this trend and custom decades ago!”
Can the author please post a mokur for this quote?

Thank you.

There's also a din that if a woman marries a man with a higher standing than hers, she goes up to his level, but if she marries “down” she keeps her status and yichus. So why shouldn't it work the same way with surnames — if she thinks her parents' name is better than her husband's, why shouldn't she keep it?

I can't believe this issue has come up. I have not seen this at all except facebook with a hyphen but that is only so old friends can find them. As for the woman being the bread-winner being a bad thing the only words that come to mind are “Are you out yo mind”. What is kollel about. Correct me if I am wrong our Rebbe was pro that institution. The few divorces R“L that I know of in Lubavitch had none of this maiden name stuff going on. The chutzpa you have to tell woman that they belong in he ”kitchen" is absurd and disturbing. I will however agree that the name is carried by the man and has been that way back to biblical times. (Lmishpachas Reuvain...)
The issue here may very well be that the girls in Lubavitch are being educated better than our boys but this dose not mean we should put the girls down it means the education given to our boys is poorly lacking. Bochurim that cant read and write are an embarrassment to Lubavitch and it hurts us all. As for the whole trendy business the trendy clothing is a much bigger issue effecting our community and yes our marriages and shalom bais....

Thank you for this insightful article, I absolutely agree. Women, especially Chabad Chassidim, should not get any education at all let alone a good one. They’re meant to be property and treated like cattle. They certainly should not work, own property or vote. I think that is what the Rebbe wants and it’s the reason that he never mentioned “Women’s Lib” or wanted any pictures of little girls in any promotional materials for Chabad.

The fact that a woman chooses to retain her maiden name or hyphenates the husband's name with hers, is not an indicator that she will be a terrible wife and mother. Many women earn advanced degrees under their maiden names and wish to retain them for professional reasons; I know quite a few women in this position who are professionally known by their maiden names but use the husband's last name for personal and family matters and I happen to know that they are good wives and mothers. For the record, their husband's are not complaining about the money they earn so why should they complain about whose last name is on the business card.

I wish you would not publish anonymous op-eds.If the person feels strongly enough about the issue to preach they should sign their name.

I don't know any Lubavitcher ladies who have hyphenated names, so it's a lot of hay about very little

Last but not least the following statement made by the author is a chutzpah 'I am sure many will see this issue as just another production of the bored-money-hungry Rabbis, similar to the famed bug-filter-sheitel-strawberry “chumrahs” that have generated so many conspiracy theories now associated with these new ridiculous stringencies.'

Aren't you ashamed to call rabbonim names???And who allowed you to decide what are 'ridiculous-new stringencies'??

“Chabad-Lubavitch”

male shovanist pig!!!
he might be right but there are nicer ways of saying what the womans role is with the explanation.
i wonder how this rabbis marriage is.

BS"D

To keep a maiden name on documents is one thing (and Facebook doesn't matter altogether; that's the only place I've seen this). Even professional use is nothing terrible and in some professions such as medicine it is standard.

The problem comes if a woman insists on being referred to as Ms Y or Mrs Y-Z within the community (which I never heard of in Chabad either, even in Montreal where indeed women keep their maiden name by law). That makes it look like we are part of the new age free for all culture that surrounds us.

And yes, the easiest way, especially if you have a common surname such as some of the Cohen and Levi family names, is indeed to marry someone with the same name as you! Just make sure it isn't your brother or sister!

The author is Rabbi Israel Krasiansky, & I'm surprised he bothered to deal with such a trivial issue, let alone put his name to it, unless he's seeking publicity.

Apart from the utter stupidity of the topic in general, with everything that's going on the Jewish world & especially Lubavitch, he sees this as worth discussing? WHO CARES???

I would like Rabbi Krasiansky to quote EXACTLY where the Rebbe discusses this issue so the uninitiated like I can remember to avoid doing this terrible thing that nobody I know does now.

The days of women only wanting a “degrees” known as “Mrs.” are over. Women are not “just” teachers anymore; (I'm not denigrating being a teacher, I was one for 30 years!) they are lawyers, doctors, businesswomen, writers, physicists, bankers...there is no profession that is excluded.

WE ARE NOT MEN'S CHATTELS & if some choose to keep their single name (I didn't) so what?? Why don't men take their wives' names? Would there be an outcry about that? You bet!

I wonder how many Rebbetzins gave their husbands a Klop on the head if they dared to agree with Rabbis Lau & Krasniansky. Such a waste of energy, but a response needs to be voiced.

This is just another sad example of ridiculous Lubavitch Scapegoating. When anything tragic happens it’s always the lack of Tznius, Shaitels etc. Rabbis, stop blaming the women for everything and take some responsibility for a change. Maybe give the boys a better education. Try teaching respect for women by example and maybe pay the teachers at Bais Rivka on time. What about the fact that there’s poverty in the Chabad community. I’m pretty sure that money is the largest contributing factor in divorce.

Lately Chabad is only a community when it comes to telling everyone what to do, what not to do, and to speak for the Rebbe. The “Lubavitch Community” and Crown Heights offer little to nothing for Lubavitchers. There are lessons to be learned from Williamsburg.

well I really understand why woman want to keep their name. its hard to give up part of yourself. yes I also, think there is less splitting of family if the family is under one name. but as far as womEn being educated well that is not a bad thing. which the my feel part of the point of article made it out to be. the next thing was that woman are the bread winners and they have less respect for their husbands. well maybe if we teach our sons that it is a priority to learn to have a pornosa, instead of poo pooing the working boy and creating an atmosphere of ambition being something dirty maybe things would change. after all the community encourages a large family. who will pay tution camps the support of a family? how can you go into a marriage and when asked what are you going to do the answer is a shrug? are you a grown up or just playing house?

Excellent article and to the point. People tend to learn what marriage is all about from the goyim around us. the fact that woman's role is different does not make them worse. should men begin to have babies?

To Sholom,
It's not an 'anonymous op-ed'.
The authors name appears above the opening paragraph. Also, I don't feel that the surnames is an issue. The biggest problem is that a new generation of 'Kollel-sitters' for want of better term has evolved and wheras a generation ago these men were generally funded by wealthy in-laws, the next generation came out Kollel generally incapable of earning a parnasa,certainly to he extent of being able to support their son-in-law through kollel. The result is that the wives, of neccesity have increased their educational qualifications and gone out and experienced life in the real world as a consequence of the need to provide for her children and husband who sits in kollel. Naturally, in some cases this can lead to disharmony when the wife is perceived to be more worldly than the husband. This is the situation and the surname issue is a red herring.
R.W. from Australia

Some last names in Lubavitch such as Rivkin (Rivka's kin) Dvorkin (Devorah's kin), Chaiken (Chaya's kin) reflect a maternal line in naming the family. The original Rivkas, Dvoras, and Chayas, may have been the main breadwinners while their husbands were learning, teaching, or in Siberia. Keeping the woman's original name is not really a new trend.
The shidduch crisis in Chabad has little to do with the lack of secular education of boys. Some of these unmarried girls are looking for very Chassidishe boys and are instead finding numerous college educated but modern boys to pick from. The dearth of Chassidshe boys rather than the proliferation of educated girls is one big factor in the shidduch crisis.

Sorry, it was Rabbi Metzger not Rabbi Lau who originally discussed this. My mistake.

If something as trivial as a hyphenated name is going to weaken the fabric of a marriage/family, it couldn't have been too strong to begin with, right? Where was this article found — on the wall of a cave, written in hyroglyphics? Wake up and smell the new millenium!

Wow! there are some things said here that are just unbelievable! what is wrong with a woman wanting her own identity, going out to work or being more educated or any of the other things yo deem so derogatory??? We do not live in shtetl days and I firmly believe that the high divorce rate , which is unfortunate, has nothing to do with a woman hyphenating her name! Just because frum woman have been repressed for centuries does not mean that we are not entitled to some identity of our own. I do NOT hyphenate my name but that was of my own choosing and I do not have any disregard for woman who do.
This article could only have been written by a man who wants his wife at home, barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen , cooking and cleaning and serving him.
Well the world has changed, so start accepting it and move on.

For all those who were to consumed by the article's content to read the author's name, he is Rabbi Israel Krasnianski. I think he put his name to it because those who know him know that he comes with quite a bit of integrity. I am not going to defend what he wrote — the meritorious parts stand on their own. I will say that 50 years ago his wife would have been known as Mrs. Israel Krasnianski, not even retaining her first name in many cases.

You can yell and scream about the specifics of what he wrote but there is no denying that the respect between husband in wife in many of our marriages is lacking at best.

I am the breadwinner, bc after 2 babies,and 3 years in kollel, my husband still could not come up with a viable income, and I had a degree (I'm BT) so I could, instead of living in squalor and asking for handouts from the government and local aid societies, which I did for 3 years in kollel, bc that's what our mashpiim told us to do.

BH I have parnossah. Men aren't being pushed to break themselves for their avodah, so what is left is burnt out women like myself, trying to handle the bills, income, chinuch, and housework all by ourselves. Oh, and we're can't chas v'shalom keep the men from another farbrengen or another chavrusa (men who are supposed to be working) bc that's just not fair.

I didn't make my husband not have skills or an income. I lived in abject poverty and had 2 children with horrible medicaid healthcare for 3 years. We had no wedding money (that was first mos rent on our kollel apt). I worked 3 jobs my first year before our 1st child was born....premature at that bc I couldn't get the rest I needed.

Maybe our leadership needs to be teaching the men how to provide for their families. The schools don't give a break, the landlords don't...the drs. don't. And women are just supposed to believe a nes will happen each time they have a child. We can't rely on nissim. So we work bc our husbands aren't providing!

Don't women go by matronyms in Russian? I could never make it through Anna Karenina because I could never figure out if they were talking about the same person or not...

We need more articles on CH Info like this to teach woman how to be good wives. The divorce rate is to high. I recomend reading the book The Surrendered wife

Did it ever occur to anyone here that for the first few months, even the first year or two, if a newly married women refers to herself (especially on the phone) with her new last name the majority of people have no clue who she is?
Also, men - have you ever had to go through the trouble of legally changing your name? Which wife (especially a kollel wife working full time or a mother of children) has the time to spend hours standing in endless lines at government offices trying to obtain new documents with her new name (SS, DL, passport, new credit cards, bank account, insurance cards, bills, etc.)

commenter dtw wrote: <i>The dearth of Chassidshe boys rather than the proliferation of educated girls is one big factor in the shidduch crisis.</i>

...and I wholeheartedly agree!

I have been living in CH my whole life, I do not know of one woman that kept her maiden name in any way shape or form. (except for facebook) and thats for old friends to find them.

Andrea, I think you are spot-on. I was going to write exactly that. In some professions changing your name is very difficult. While the article DID talk about ONE reason that women may choose to hyphenate their names (and that ONE reasoning might be a 'problem') the bottom line is that there are a myriad of reasons that women do this (older women who get married, divorcees who remarry etc. who have been known for decades by their maiden names) and to just say it is wrong because of one reason that some women choose to do this is not right.

It's obvious that the writer is not married and is clueless about relationships etc. Let him stick to Kabbalah.

Hilchos Ishut Perek 15 - Halachas 19&20

19. Similarly, our Sages commanded that a man honor his wife more than his own person, and love her as he loves his own person. If he has financial resources, he should offer her benefits in accordance with his resources. He should not cast a superfluous measure of fear over her. He should talk with her gently, being neither sad nor angry.

20. And similarly, they commanded a woman to honor her husband exceedingly and be in awe of him. She should carry out all her deeds according to his directives, considering him to be an officer or a king. She should follow the desires of his heart and shun everything that he disdains.

This is the custom of holy and pure Jewish women and men in their marriages. And these ways will make their marriages pleasant and praiseworthy.

“I am sure many will see this issue as just another production of the bored-money-hungry Rabbis, similar to the famed bug-filter-sheitel-strawberry “chumrahs” that have generated so many conspiracy theories now associated with these new ridiculous stringencies.”

Did Rabbi Krasnianski consider for one moment that perhaps the sad trends negatively effecting Chabad result from respected Rabbonim/Shluchim showing open hostility to Rabbonim of other groups and persuasions (as well as our open Rabbonim)??

A quick review of Torah Shebichsav yields the following:
a. It is forbidden to eat strawberries that contain bugs.
B. Bnos Tzelofchod retained their title relationship from their father long after they were happily married!

Thank you for bringing out another part to the puzzle. We all have to remember where we belong in family. Yes the boys need to be educated more so that they could do the job and be the breadwinner, not that a pregnant young mother possibly looking after other children too is trying to run every race. I don't believe women must be in the kitchen, but i do believe that her family and house come first - it should be a choice for her to work somewhat if she needs - If she is working full time and has no energy left by the time she comes home - Well there is a huge problem for family life as a start!

Women such as myself are not interested in all the paper work that goes along with name changing such as social security cards, passports and drivers license. It's a inconvenience nothing more. Stop being so insecure....

I am shocked at how liberal most of the responses have been. Are these people Lubavitch? what a shame!

I decided not to keep my maiden out of respect for my husband. I know women who have careers that do choose to keep their maiden name for obvious reasons. However, at home they separate their business life from their home and personal life by using their married name.

Why do U have a problem with it??? If the Rebbe was against it...why do you still disagree with it??

QUOTE,“our great Rebbe protested this trend and custom decades ago!”
Good for Rabbi Israel Krasnianski, for bringing this too everyones attention.

BS"D
Don't women go by matronyms in Russian?
-----------
What you mean is the formal and official style of addressing or referring to women by the feminine grammatical form of their PATRONYMIC.

Alexander, son of Ivan - Alexander Ivanovich

Anna, daughter of Ivan - Anna Ivanovna.

Surnames are for the most part also masculine and feminine - Anna Karenina's brother or father is Karenin; she is Karenina.

Some of our shluchim who were born abroad to parents of Russian origin (like most everyone on shlichus in the FSU) and have last names that end in -in (becomes -ina), -ov (becomes -ova) and -sky (becomes -skaya) are having fun with that here in the FSU because husbands/wives and sons/daughters sometimes are formally referred to by different versions of the family name :).

Where and when was the Rebbe against this???

How about teaching MEN to be good husbands & fathers??? Didn't CH MOM read the post by Mommy who has to do everything? Who needs chauvenists when we have CH MOM? I hope you were kept pregnant & barefoot & tied to the stove!

I hope my sons find wives who are as focussed as this young lady...but they'd better provide for their families or I (their mother!) will be banging on their door & supporting my daughter in law.

Some guys are too lazy to work. Others are workaholics and absentee fathers. Both situations are bad.

How about Rabbonim discussing the lack of parnassah for men & their lousy husbanding/fathering skills, not crying that a woman keeps her maiden name.

Of course the ones that always stick up for whats right, and stick up for family values and all that, are always ridiculed.
I must say those rabbis are brave to stand up against the tide.. its not easy when your dealing with these type of shallow thinking un spiritual people, i think this all stems from one problem that people have brought tv and movie shtus in to their lives. good luck to us all.

Please don't eploit your ignorance of the facts & blame the sacred institution of kolel, at least not in Crown Heights/Lubavitch (maybe ur correct with regards to Lakewood). Firtsly, we don't have that many kollels. Secondly, there aren't that many yungeleit who do attend those few kollels. Thirdly, since there are so few kollelites, it is easily discernible who you &/or your husband are, since they aren't that numerous. So why would you want to insult your family by blatently advertising your shame. Most importantly, for those who are lacking in their Torah sessions, at least there are some fine young men who are still dedicating a few years, with the sacrifice of many comforts including their wife's breadwinning, to the hallowed & much abandoned cause of perpetuating the Torah of Hashem.
It's amazing how low some people will bring themselves to completely mock the kolel institution which happens to be much more popular in non-chabad communities, where every member of the city pays for these yingeleit who are willing to learn still post-wedding. The Rebbe very much supported that young men should spend a few years learning in Kolel afte their weddings. Since there are so few who do, we should be privlidged and honoured by their efforts. For those who oppose this style then I highly doubt you'd be marrying one who wiishes to persue such a lifestyle. So if you are making the issue of it here, either you're talking out of hot air & don't have a husband in Kolel, just hocking... or you'd better seek some marriage counseling if your husband is in kolel & you really are against it that you have to vent your anger and opposition in this forum.

Kolel is good for those whom it suits. If your still single then I suggest that you discuss this matter on your next date to avoid some of the anti-kollel sentiments expressed here manifesting themselves later in your marriage.

I've spent ten minutes of my life reading this editorial and the comments that it has engendered, and I must say that I feel ashamed — of myself for wasting the ten minutes, and for the author, who instigated this inane discussion.

TO SCAPEGOATING AND (MRS. TOO)

I AM TOTALY SHOCKED AT YOUR COMMENTS.
YOU ARE OBVIOULSLY NOT LUBAVITCH TO BEGING WITH. ESPECIALLY TO SCAPEGOATING... TZNIUS TZNIUS... TILL YOUR BLUE IN THE FACE. YES,, THATS THE CAUSE OF THE TROUBLES HERE. DONT LIKE IT, LEAVE. DONT BLAME LUBAVITCH ON EVERYTHING... LOOK INTO YOURSELF FIRST AND THEN TALK.... CHANGE YOUR VIEWS..
YES WE MUST LISTEN TO OUR RABBIES AND NOT YOU. THEY KNOW WHATS BETTER. WE NEED TO BE ALWAYS BETTER AND ONE STEP AHEAD OF THE WORLD AND NOT MORE MODERN.

last names, in general, are not a jewish custom. jews didn't even have last names until the goyim made us take them. they are a meaningless, and often derogatory, way of referring to jews. why are we even discussing this?

I dont understand why secualr education keeps on coming up for discussion. This is not something we Chasidim have thought up on our own. The policy of sitting and learning Torah every chance you get is not new, and comes directly (as far as chasidim are concerned) from the holy mouth of the Rebbe. While life with out secular edication might not be as rewarding and might in fact be much more difficult, that does not give us the excuse to come here (in the name of sholom bayis and other worthy causes) and spew fire agaisnt people and establishments that carry the flag of the rebbe and raise children al taharas hakodesh.

The root of any girl going off the derech is one word: Meshichisim.

Throughout their years of education they are being inculcated with a false approach. Then they grow up and realize that the approch to the Rebbe and Moshiach was false i.e. not based on the way the Rebbe set down, at that point they dump the rest of chassidus and frumkeit.

If their teachers were able to falsify such a fundamental issue in their education, then, they loose the trust for everything else. And the rest is history.

Beis Rivkah must lead the way in streightening out the whole approach into a healthy and correct one.

Theres a lot more to write but...

To CH Mom,
how about teaching men how to be good husbands. Why are you blaming the divorce rate on the woman??

um, i'm wondering...is the language filtered on this site? are these comments checked before they are posted? keep the street language out of here!

To CH Mom:

It's not clear to me how this article taught any woman to be a better wife or mother. Please enlighten me.

Rabbi Metzger appealed to the Chabad Women in the hope that they would recognize the truth that seems to be so widespread today, what a shame that it has already made such inroads that it would appear to be too late. However , I do hold out hope that while the better educated girls of today continue to hold themselves to high standards, they would not compromise on such an integral force as Shalom Bayis, and hold their husbands self image as sacred!!
Alas, the majority of comments sadly imply the opposite.
Eighteen tears ago, when I got married, I was proud of my skills and abilities, and hugely proud of the fact that my husband had a whole other set of skills and abilities, that complemented my own.
I felt then, as I do today, that we joined forces and became one entity.
How sad it is that Rabbi Metzger appeals to us and we start pulling the ,“We women are not cattle ” card, or the “We do not wish to be tied to the kitchen sink” card.Such sentiments are indicative of insecure thinking, and they certainly do not reflect my response to the issue.
Rabbi Metzger, I do believe you have a strong point and that your intentions are sincere.I personally have not seen much of this trend in Lubavitch, but I understand where this could lead should this become, C'V, the norm. There is a breakdown of the family in wider world, and you felt perhaps this trend is adding to the breakdown that is being experienced in our own community. You have been kind enough to share with us your insight. B'Ezras Hashem, the young women of today will heed your call and hopefully without childish resentment, for so much rests in the hands of the women.
Women, do not fall apart over this, continue to educate yourselves, and set high standards for yourselves, AND be proud of your husbands for what they bring to the table.

A woman using her maiden name is very often just for professional purposes. She may have a degree with her maiden name or a position that she held before she married and was known by her maiden name. We live during a time where it is necessary for both the husband and wife to work in order to make a parnassah that is enough for the family to live on.

I'm not going to argue the points the author discusses, as they are religious in origin and that's a bunch of muddy water. What I will comment on is the stupidity of some of the people commenting on his points.

As many people have already pointed out, this was not written anonymously. The author's name is on top of the article, just like every other op-ed posted on this website.

There are also many women who stopped reading the article halfway through to start protesting alleged slights to their gender. One of the biggest complaints was that women need to keep their last names for business purposes, degrees, and government documentation. Let me quote the author. “Of course, as with any other, there are exceptions to this rule (business purposes, etc.). Seeking advice from your rabbi is always a good idea. But even in such a case, if it is at all possible, women should then try to distinguish and separate between their business life, personal life and family life.” Stop yelling about issues which do not exist.

Then we have all of the modern women who are yelling at this rabbi to get with it and live in the modern world. Don't get me wrong; I'm more modern than most of Crown Heights. If you're so modern that you feel the need to be independent and hyphenate your last name, then this article is not for you. This is an Orthodox rabbi (Chassidic at that) addressing an issue he feels is affecting his community. If you feel the need to live as the modern world does, you obviously are not living the same lifestyle the Rebbe demanded of his Chassidim. I know you still like to consider yourself a Lubavitcher, but you're not. Being a Lubavitcher is not a race or ethnicity; it's a way of life. If you do not conduct yourself according to its strict customs, you are not a Lubavitcher. That doesn't mean you're a bad person or bad Jew. Just stop trying to pacify your guilty conscience by justifying your actions.

The author of the article who says “a statement that women are not the husband’s property” is making a big mistake that many people made. The word “Kinyan” that is used for marriage is similar, but does not exactly mach the word acquires. A man does not own his wife; he owns exclusive rights to being her husband. Kidushin mean separate because he separates her from all other men who may want her. A Kenaani slave is property and one who kills that slave must pay the owner. One who kills a wife as far as I know the husband does not get paid for his loss, correct me if I’m wrong. In parshas Mishpatim it speaks about a young Jewish girl slave. It says her master should try to marry her. If he makes her his wife he must treat her like a wife not a slave (Rashi). If one owns their wife why can’t he make her a slave again? Obviously her body does not belong to him and he there for has to treat her with respect and care as is clearly stated in the Kesuba. All he acquires is her freedom do be with other men.

On the other hand I must say we must be extremely careful with the way some married people act in lubavitch. After marriage many both men and women talk extremely free with each other. When we where in Yeshiva talking to girl was Chayav Misa but once someone got engaged it's free for all. That is not the way of Torah. Men and women should only converse when necessary and not just for fun. Someone’s wife should not be your “friend” est. (if you are a guy)

Unless the above comments are tongue in cheek, it is very very tragic what kind of state Crown Heightsers have come to!
(Remember when teen pregnancies were unheard of?)

I am a strong-willed and independent young Lubavitch woman. I have no worries that the men in our generation see the women as cattle.

I agree with the writer whole heartedly an d not necessarily for pious reasons.

The dynamic between the man and the woman is one of giver and receiver, as is evident from the physical interaction. A woman who does not relinquish her last name is putting up a wall that says “You can go only until here and no more!”

There can be no unity in such a marriage.

women or woman?
Spelling is amazing here!

Wow! Everytime I read the comments on an article like this, I feel like so many people in CH have real issues with education, ie men should be given more,women need to get degrees,etc.
I would like to point out another view. We are BH all frum people. We need to refocus. Where does our parnosa come from- Hashem. There are plenty of people who have degrees and can't hold down a job. And there are plenty of oholei torahniks who were never educated and can provide for their families.
I can't imagine how hard it must be for the respect in a family when the husband cannot or does not provide,and I hear in the comments how many people are hurt by this. However- we must constantly remember who gives us our parnosa,gezunt,and nachas. If we do what Hashem wants from us, daven to him when we need something- then we will be focusing our energy in a positive direction!

Az men porket haybt on shtinken.Just like the Yarkon
Why raise such an insignifcant issue? There are far more pressing issues that need to be dealt with, locally and internationally.
Ahavas Yisroel, Sholom bein odom lechaveiroi, limud chassidus vedarkei hachassidus. Surnames? doss is voss brent oifn oiven???
Gevald!

Hear it from a professional & suceesful women!!! If you read this book you will buy it for every women you know and care for!!! It's happend to my friend and it's happend to me!

“The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands”

It'll be the best thing that happend to you!!! - Trust me, Women to women!!!

http://www.amazon.com/Prope...

I agree with CH Mom. If woman would be more submissive to their husbands there would be fewer divorces. CH Info should run a good articcle or Op Ed on good values for marriage at least once a month. The new tren in marriage is for the woman to surrender like the good old Rambam says. Read the new age books by Dr Laura and The Surrendered wife andhave a happy marriage.

I find it very bizarre that the author of this rather lengthy op-ed did not find it necessary to include some supportive evidence for his main point, namely that the Rebbe held of this opinion!

there were so many comments I could not read them all.
mainly, I suppose there is a point here, but its really odd that the issue of having highschool and seminary/semicha programs not giving enough hadracha about marriage.....particularly to the bachurim.....what is important, what is appropriate, how and when to go for help, what the Torah teaches us about the responsibility of marriage. They need to have heated conversations and debates about how to conduct onesself in marriage. That seems like a silent issue, while this, which is just an expression of the need to represent the girl's family name, and as well, keeping one foot in her family......because these young kids are scared of committment these days. WHY? Think it over. The times have changed, and the kids don't have the skills and tools for marriage. PLUS they hear stories about marriage and the unfair issues that are occuring. We are not teaching our kids how to “do” marriage and then the newcomers to marriage are scared. Lets deal with the issues that really should be dealt with and maybe the SECONDARY issues will not be such an issue, as this one.
For example, if a child doesn't want to go to school, you're going to tell the parents that that children have to be taught to go to school? How about finding out whats going on at school to know why.
Lets be more wholesome and approach the issues in a deeper way. some people just aren't looking at things deeply enough. Maybe this writer doesn't have those issues in his own life, but many families don't know how to prepare their kids for marriage, and the heads of our mosdos need to help with that. Otherwise?......

I am willing to bet that most of the angry woman here have problems with sholom bayis. If they learn to surrender they will start having marital bliss. Isha Keshairah Oseh Ratzon Baalah!!!

Wow, it's so nice to know that so many of us have the free time to read/write on such a chushva issue...
Although I agree that women's lib has threatened male identity, mutual respect has to come from WITHIN, from the learning and the midos.
But to elaborate on dtw's statement, there are many more respected matrilineal names, including: Leibel Sora's; the last names, Sorkin (Sora's kin); Laiken (Leah's kin); Fradkin (Frayda's kin); Gelkin (probably Gila's); Belkin (Baila's); Malkin (Malka's); Raskin (Rus's kin), etc.

To Scapegoat 2:

STOP SHOUTING!!!

No doubt we would be more inclined to listen to you, despite the idiocy of your statements (Lubavitch to begin with???) if you spoke with respect. I would guess you are a male...but not necessarily a MAN.

To Editor of this Site:
Reading this article, for a moment I had accidentally been transferred to Al-Jazeera and was reading something from a Sheikh.
Your site is excellent and entertaining. You do not have to print this drivel from this so-called rabbi to create false controversy. There are many non-Lubabs, even non-religius Jews and non-Jews who read this site. When you post garbage like this in the name of a rabbi (from his writing he sounds like a teenager with way too much time on his hands, or a very frustrated man who cannot find a job because he is a loser of mythic proportions) unsuspecting readers will conclude that such views are common in Chabad--especially when he qoutes the Rebbe and tries to drag the Rebbe down into his pathetic misogyny, although it's well known that the REbbe was a major feminist!
Please stick to the great job you're doing without allowing a platform for the rantings of unemployed, full-time losers.

Im still waiting for someone to write an op-ed on the insane, uncontrolled apt/housing situation here in CH. Maybe if there were decent places to live in CH at affordable prices more women would be able to stay at home and fulfill their duties as the ideal jewish/chassidish mother and wife-hence avoiding the issue of keeping ones maiden name etc. With two or three bedroom apts going up 500$ in just one year-or even just a couple of months- this is unfortunately not a possible scenario for those who want to live a normal quality of life (and we are not talking about luxury over here). Anyone with free time care to write about it? Im too busy juggling being a mother, wife and to top it all off, a working woman ...so that I can live in a normal sized apt without mice running around freely, holes on squeaky floors and creepy bumps on the walls/ceilings...

I never bother commenting on these boards, as the topic of disagreement is usually pretty inane, but this comment needs to be repeated.

“I am a strong-willed and independent young Lubavitch woman. I have no worries that the men in our generation see the women as cattle.

I agree with the writer whole heartedly and not necessarily for pious reasons.

The dynamic between the man and the woman is one of giver and receiver, as is evident from the physical interaction. A woman who does not relinquish her last name is putting up a wall that says “You can go only until here and no more!”

There can be no unity in such a marriage.”
I was raised Lubavitch, on shlichus, went to a day school where I received a proper Jewish and secular education, and scored in the top ten percentile of the national standardized testing.

I have a budding career in education (even though I never went to college), which I enjoy very much. I live vicariously, have good friends, and travel a lot.

When I get married, though, my first and foremost priority will be to be a good WIFE.
That includes keeping a clean, inviting, home, and preparing meals. Giving birth to and raising children. Being a life partner to and support for my husband.

The concept of being “barefoot, pregnant, and tied to the sink” never even crossed my mind. The concept of “fulfilling my natural purpose in life, creating a home, putting other things on the back burner while I raise my children” is how I see it.

It seems a lot of girls are afraid of being the “wife” in the relationship. I recommend they speak to a mashpia or teacher about that, because it's the place you were created for. A woman thrives and blossoms when she does what she is meant to be doing - NUTURING.
No one says you have to give up your life when you get married. You do, however, become part of a greater whole.

These comments sound like... there is a very unhealthy approach to marriage these days.

Women need appreciation, men need respect.
Respecting your husband is not a sin or a compromise. It's a basic neccessity.

That's my piece.

Woman in single and women is plural

Everybody has their thoughts, comments and ideas and that's fine. But let's remember Ahavas Yisroel, especially in the 9 days.

Whatever you feel you need to say... say it nicer and bring out your point, not making it a personal attack.

We need to add in Ahavas Chinam, not ch'v in sinas chinam. Azoi, Moshiach will come a lot quicker and we won't have any of these problems

thanks for a good laugh in all this nonsense.

The topic of the article raises some interesting points, but the tone of the author is unnecessarily patronizing. In addition, he makes statements that seem quite bizarre to me, such as “[problems in marriage... greatly due to the fact that the girls today are much more educated, knowledgeable and capable than the boys are.” This is ridiculous. Clearly, problems in marriage are due to the fact that the husband and wife do not relate to each other properly, regardless of which one is more capable, educated or knowledgeable. It seems to me that keeping the maiden name is an issue that should be discussed between the husband and wife (with the input of respective mashpi'im), so that a decision can be made that takes into account all the factors relevant to the particular situation.
In my view, the author's railing on the topic is bewilderingly strident, and often irrelevant to his audience.
(Needless to say, I find many of the comments posted here unintelligible, off-topic, and reactionary.)
A lot of this is “much ado about nothing”. Young singles should decide what kind of household they wish to build, and figure out what they need to do in order to create and maintain that environment. This applies to every aspect of their future lives, including their surname. Only then will they be in a position to find someone compatible with themselves.
(By the way, I am a man who treats his wife with great respect and honor; I work full time and am happy to do a lot of cooking/housework as well.)

The community can't have it both ways.

Either our own landlords need to bring downt he rent to reasonable rates and our schools need to use a bit more seichel in what is “bareminimum” tuition and how they get funding, or they must accept the fact that THEY expect our women to work.

If a frum man makes 50k, he's got it pretty good compared to many, but it will not pay: kah, 10 kids. 7 x 3k (with a break!) (elementary) and 15kx3 (mesivta, sem, etc). 66k. hmmm... So instead, we expect the wife to contribute, it's still not good enough, and we close the doors on our kids.

Our institutions and our very own yiddishe bill collectors can't have it both ways.

No one really disagrees how last names should go. No one really sees this horrible “plague” the author claims is rampant around Lubavitch.

I'm tired of the bashing on our girls. Such hurtful and not loving speach to make a point! I wish things were reversed and there was such pressure on our boys! (At least it would be equitable!)

You are so correct in your attitude. I am a married woman - (9 years, 4 kids)and I have the same attitude as you. I am grateful for what I have. I b“h have a secure marriage and a happy family. I respect my husband and he appreciates me. I am in no way stifled or chained to the kitchen. Your comment ”No one says you have to give up your life when you get married. You do, however, become part of a greater whole." is so on spot. Unfortunately, some of the comments here are indicative of unhealthy and perhaps, unhappy marriages.

I believe this problem and the responsa to it are complete idoicy and foolishness, first off the problem arises when the women enters the marriage with a goal to make herself noticed, there is nothing wrong with being noticed and the man should not control his wife like property however when one enters the marriage with this nasty attitude he/she overlooks the beauty and importance of marrige the vast undertaking that they have accepted to build a jewish home that is what marriage is, when a couple or a spouse looses sight of the goal the real reason that they are getting married because they are in love and they are compatible with one another to do this mission then such petty nuisances will not arise, however when they enter the marriage with goals such as proving to the world that i will not be another one of those jewish mothers and i dont believe in that “old fashion crap” they loose sight on the points of marriage and begin to build their home on the opposite foundations of the torah then these problems will grow and become larger than life until the marriage itself will be threatened by this problem. So to say that this fad of keeping your last name is increasing amongst lubavitch girls is wrong and an injustice, girls who loose sight of what is trully important, girls who oppenly spite the community with thier lack of adherence to tzniyus why are you shocked by their will to imitate the ways of the gentiles and keep their last names please dont look at them and blame their ways on the girls of lubavitch.

While this is certainly an issue of importance, the bigger problem is one of CATASROPHIC LACK OF YIRAS SHOMAIYIM in Lubavitch b'chlall.

We would be better served by individuals willing to stand up against self-serving and self-appointed dictators who are only interested in greed and power.

I have decided that before next summer my children will no longer have to see “frum” girls and women dress the way the prevalent ch provaocative fashion seems today. It is better to live in a community where they see a difference 'bein yisroel lamim', that there's a stark contrast between the fashion of a bas yisroel and a goy. I have encountered non-Jewish people years ago who have commeneted and complimented me on the modesty of ch females. But today many have decided to go bechukosayhem. So, if it means living in a community that's not Chabad, but is frum and tznius, then so be it. And no, this is not sheltering my kids from society. They will have quality education, dress in nice stylestic tznius fashion and know that we are of a higher standard. It's a shame that we have to shelter our kids from the streets of the Rebbe's shchuna where we grew up knowing that we are privlidged to be bas chabad. We were always a step ahead of everyone, yet now we fall way behind....

PS: To the individual who blalmed this all on Mishichisim, that's a scapegoat. Thee is no need to point fingers, but I SEE IT AS A FACT that those who still have thri firm emuna in the Rebbe are also strong believers in Hashem and the ways of HIS torah. Perhaps it's even the other way around that beacuse they adhere to Torah they are able to be mekushar to the Rebbe, depsite tring times post-3 Tamuz and still haven't lost their faith in the Rebbe's promises. To blame mishichism is like blaming the fanaticism of shmiras haTorah for it...

You made a very painful but correct decision of moving out of CH to a community where basic frumkeit is maintained.

Now to the blame issue, Not being a meshichist does not in any way mean not believing in Hashem and the Rebbe after Gimmel Tamuz. Quite the contrary those that remained loyal to the rebbe and believe that nothing changed after Gimmel Tamuz THEY are the ones that believe in Moshiach and are going on Shlichus because they LIVE WITH THE REBBE after 3 tamuz.

The blame was to inconsistencies in presenting the Rebbe's approach for after Gimel tamuz.

This stupid issue & worthwhile issues have nothing to do with being a Moschichist or an “anti.” Morons & idiots are morons & idiots if they fly flags or not.

This topic is so ridiculous I don't understand why so many people are so worried about it. We have abuse in Yeshivas, kids off the derech, families hungry, kids out of Yeshiva because of tuition & we spend time on this? Unbelievable!

this is absolutely ridiculous. firstly, chabad lubavitch compared with most other religious sects encourages women to be well-read, learn, be apart of the community, not just 'be in the kitchen' and do what secular society considers 'women things'.
and where is the basis for the fact that higher divorce rates are a result of women getting more rights?? there are a million reasons for the higher divorce rate, and don't forget about the previous generations women, where many of them had to suffer in abusive marriages when divorce was not as accepted.
and how does the lubavitch system AT ALL encourage to making of husbands who are educated and can support a LARGE family? they are encouraged to learn in ANY yeshivah, better they appear to be learning than be educated of course (sarcasm please). if they want an education they have to either leave the community, teach themselves how to read and write, or/and spend their later 20's doing a high-school diploma instead of being able to work and support their family! lets not talk about the way the community facilitates boys/young men who are not the exact model of their system and lets not talk about the lost souls who may become husbands who are incapable of creating a proper marriage.
i could go on and on about this.
if a women feels she does not need to change her last name in order to feel married or feel meaning in her marriage, and if a woman feels there is no reason to change her last name then it is her right and business to do it. it by no means gives right to you to judge her marriage or her commitment to keeping a jewish kosher home and marriage.
you as a man, rabbi and mashpia, should be encouraging the growth of young men into decent educated husbands who are able to respect women and support a family and become valuable members of society. focusing on this and judging as you have is no way of achieving anything positive other than causing certain ppl to feel more distant.

It's dangerous to say things like, “either you marry your husband completely, including his name, or go back to your father's house and use his name until you learn what marriage is and ought [to] be”--that's exactly the kind of thinking I heard a woman use when she was talking about why she stuck with her husband for years, even though he was beating her.

Even worse than women who insist on hyphenating their names are the pathetic, weak, probably light in the loafers men who also hyphenate their names after marriage.

Apocalyptic garbage blaming the worlds ills and misfortunes on women for something as trivial as maintaining their last name after marriage. I challenge the author to show the “statistical” evidence that the divorce rate is higher when the women follows this practice. This claim is a travesty.

I hope this jerk's warped opinion does not represent a majority of Chabad rabbeim. There are so many fanatics and chumra-cheerleaders in the Orthodox community that I have begun to wonder if being frum is even worth it at times.

Oh yeah- one more thing that really bugs me. The tone of the article is that women should be home raising a family and not working; if they do work it should be a “bittul”compared to her family life. Fine-well and good.

Many chassidish families follow this mode, and they often have large numbers of children- 7-9-11- 12 kids is not unusual. Even if the husband makes a very decent living, how on earth can any family afford to raise a family of this size? Truthfully, most cannot, and raising a modest sized family is very difficult financially. So here goes another question: how can those families who are already struggling to make ends meet continue to have children that they cannot afford to support?

I changed my last name to my husband's last name and use his name exclusively. Why? I did so, for I realized that with all my education, achievements, and potential, I am now about to embark on a life mission to raise a family under one roof, under one religion, under one last name. To me, it is not about personal identity, liberalism, or professionalism, for if it were, I can still be myself, around friends, family, and coworkers, all the while using my husband's last name. To me, it's about family unity. We are now a family; not two distinct units living together in one house, but rather a family who appreciates each other and wishes to identify, and be identified, with each other. I changed my name for one reason only: love of my family. It doesn't hurt. You can do it, too!